words Nadia Kishlan

At the beginning of 2020, I was hot on the heels of the next stage of my career. After seven years toiling away in the events industry, I decided to take a leap of faith to properly pursue the field of study I graduated in (I majored in Bachelors in Communications and Media Management). 

I have always been drawn to the idea of uncovering stories, especially ones told by other people. I loved the ability to serve as a mouthpiece for these stories, packaging them into digestible nuggets of information for the masses. In January this year, I was presented with my first ever project as a Freelance Presenter; to film a mini travel series set in Hong Kong and Macau for a multinational media company. I was over the moon. I couldn’t believe my luck. It was the big break I needed to bolster my portfolio in this new stage of my career. We filmed the series and it was set to publish within the next month or two. I flew back to Singapore more energised than before, convinced that things were going to be better than I thought in this scary new chapter of my life.

Then the pandemic struck. Sobering headline after sobering headline dominated news feeds. Borders started closing and governments rolled out tighter regulations. The whole world was shaken, and I fell into a deep hole of uncertainty along with millions of other people all around the globe.

And just like that, I lost all the vigour I had mustered at the beginning of the year. Any leads to new jobs simmered to no more than ‘maybes’. The responses all bore the same message; no real decision could be made until the situation calms down. I don’t blame them though; I was pretty convinced the people responding to me were themselves unsure about the fate of their futures too.

In an attempt to keep up to speed with the containment of the virus, I devoured news article after news article, in hopes of finding solace in some tiny piece of progress somewhere. Instead, I found myself more emotionally drained than before. It reached a point where I sometimes struggled with the simple act of getting out of bed. I knew I was falling into dangerous territory, but I was also at a loss for inspiration. I decided to take it a day at a time. I stopped reading the news so much once I realised how much anxiety it caused me.

I knew there was nothing I could do to control the outcome of the pandemic or how society will function because of it.

I redirected my focus on strengthening my mind. I replaced studying the news with studying online courses I never would have thought to take before. I replaced my daily habit of worrying, with meditating, once in the morning and once at night. I worked on creating content to brush up on my production skills on my own terms, with 2 IGTV series on my channel. I’ve also found so much goodness from health experts who have shared guidance on how to approach this new normal.

Even though I had stopped receiving a steady stream of income, I had enough savings to tide me over for a little while. Since I now had the time to help others, I seized the opportunity to do so. Instead of stressing out about when my next project was coming in, I directed my skills towards volunteer work by project managing a non-profit organisation, providing assistance to the migrant worker communities disproportionately affected by the pandemic in Singapore. On days when I feel drained, I allowed myself space to just be, instead of pretending to be productive 24/7. I made a conscious effort to be kinder to myself and found my mental well-being in a much better state because of it. 

I remember watching a video where three 100-year-olds were dishing out life lessons. One of them said, “If I’m making a cake and it fails, it becomes a pudding.” This analogy couldn’t be more apt for this time. This whole thing is one big disaster in the oven, but all we can really do is make some humble pudding out of it.

To be honest, I still wake up feeling anxious. The difference is that I now allow myself to feel that way only at that moment, instead of letting it set the tone for my entire day. This trying time has also made me reassess my career priorities and my inner self, and I am grateful for the space it has given me to find awareness in the things that truly matter to me. I acknowledge the reality that we are in, but I am not letting it consume me. Change is necessary for us to grow, and I know we will come out of this stronger than before.