words Ry-Ann Lim

Looking back, I think I have grown in three ways from practice: 

Learning to parent myself.

At the tail end of my two-year masters programme, just three months to graduation, the pandemic happened. What followed was an abrupt end to campus life when close friends packed up and went back to their home countries (70% of my class was made up of international students like myself). Waving goodbye from a window, not knowing when I would see them next, while at the same time also dealing with an end of a relationship... was painful. 

A week or two later, I found out my dad had multiple strokes, and soon after I also discovered that he also had stage 4 cancer. I felt helpless as I could not travel home to see him as international borders were closed.

During this time, I let myself cry, sometimes on the floor, sometimes for hours. I allowed myself to feel what I felt until my mind went blank from exhaustion. I learnt to notice how shame and grief manifested physically. I knew I was in a vulnerable state where things could go south if I was not careful with myself, so I tried to process my pain instead of avoiding it.

Learning to parent myself was important as these happened when I was living alone and also transitioning to a new place. On top of that, Singapore was going through lockdown (Circuit Breaker).

In the process, I have also grown to not be shy to talk about things I need.

Sometimes shyness can be disguised as pride and ego. Previously, I was willing to entertain my own suffering just to prove to friends that I was a ‘tough girl’, not a spoilt person who needed help and company. As I was starting life in a new country alone, in a new job, in a new industry, I needed to create environments for myself to at least stay afloat till things settled down.

Lastly, I have CREATED my own definition of creativity.

The great gifts of this year were more quiet time to read and reflect. My new job in the tech industry has redefined what I thought of creativity. I used to think of creativity in a conventional (read: artistic) way, but I don’t anymore. In fact, this may be part of “rediscovering” myself, and what I want to be more of. I want to lean into creativity not just in the artistic sense but also in an entrepreneurial and value-sense.

This year, relaunching my career in the tech industry where the buzzword ‘disruption’ is aplenty, showed me how we need to imagine something different for ourselves and society. My bosses and people I admire in this industry aren’t just “tech people”, they are creative people.

I write this from a quarantine facility, sighing as I look back at how heavy the year has been. But this year has also given me confidence and enabled me to build on my self-trust as it can only be earned when tested.