MY STORY IS …

I know it sounds like I’m telling you to give up, but just bear with me for a moment. My dream as far as I can remember was to be a professional singer and make music. And it was something that I lived and breathed every single day. My parents, coming from a generation where having an education was a luxury not everyone could afford encouraged my pursuits but also enforced that it shouldn’t be at the expense of my education. Sing? Not a problem – but you’ll have to wait until you get your degree. It was a fair compromise, and to be fair, once I was in Polytechnic, I found that I truly loved studying and found a niche that I enjoyed learning more about.

One degree later, after working and studying at the same time, I immediately set out and got myself a steady flow of gigs – from shopping centres to the Esplanade, and wedding dinners to D&Ds. A constant presence that was there for as many of the public gigs available was my dad. He was my biggest cheerleader who supported me as I grew from someone who had a dream to someone who was trying to live out a dream.

No matter how difficult it was or hard decisions I had to make, I had to
remain authentic to myself.

He was diagnosed with ALS in 2010 and that was when things came crashing down. As each new symptom revealed itself and his muscles wasted away, I had to take on the role as one of his main caregivers. It meant cutting down on gigs and in some way locking away emotions, so you could get by and make practical decisions without crying or frustrated. It meant my singing lost its lustre and I was exhausted trying to juggle full-time work and singing and something had to give.

Unfortunately, or fortunately in this case, my day job was what paid the bills and they were being very kind with how present I was at work due to circumstances and even gave me the opportunity to work from home. So… I stopped singing. In 2014, my dad passed away and it felt like I lost my voice. I thought throwing myself back into singing would help but I would end up being too much of an emotional mess. I felt like I couldn’t get back on stage because looking out into the crowd would mean searching for a ghost. After a couple of more performances, I effectively stopped professionally singing in 2015. Another loss, tacked on by my 11-year relationship disintegrating, followed by health issues and finally an organisational restructure at my day job. 

It was five years of non-stop change, loss, pain and anguish. But it was also five years of putting things into perspective. I had dreams about my singing, about my relationship and its future, about my career and how I was supposed to be living my life and loss taught me so much. It taught me that there is more than just one way to see things – that the dreams I had weren’t wrong but my journey made me question what I really wanted, why I wanted it and what I was willing to do to make it happen once again.

I have some answers now, not all of them, but I’m rediscovering my singing and how I’m supposed to be using this talent. At the same time, I’m remaining fluid as to how this dream shall pan out and sometimes people think I’m crazy for not planning for it or for not being conventionally passionate about this one single-minded pursuit but I am passionate, I’m passionate for embracing the change that comes with living out a dream every single day.

photography NICOLE VERGHESE