ON RETHINKING LIFE LESSONS AND LOOKING FORWARD

It sounds simple: we construct our own understanding of the world we live in and we search for tools to help us understand our experiences. But how we choose to honour that learning process, makes every person’s experience unique. And that’s what Erin puts across in her story here - as you read through her process, she teaches that it is okay to complement your history with all your collective experiences to make sense of our world.

MY STORY IS …

My greatest fear in life is regret. 

We all spend our lives telling ourselves that we are a certain kind of person, from a certain background, doing a certain kind of job and enjoying certain kinds of things. And we think that’s influenced by our upbringing, education, our family, and our friends. But what happens when those “truths” are malleable? I think what we know and understand about ourselves evolves with each lesson and experience we receive.

There was a very difficult chapter of my life in my mid-twenties. It was a brief but very dark few years. I was wide-eyed and innocent, fresh out of university in my first job. Within a year, I left my job, ended a relationship, needed to move out of where I was living, and had some of my closest friends relocate. It was all bright and rosy until suddenly everything I held central to my sense of identity was reshuffled and had to be reset. I remember deeply questioning my own worth and value, and it was like a very, very long nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from no matter how hard I tried. 

I remember spending my days in bed - just crying. My soul was so fragile that I couldn’t even look anyone in the eye without tearing up. But there were spurs of the moment when the indignant me was overcome with indignance and bitterness. I would get so angry at myself for letting others determine who I am, what I do, and where I was. And so I started trawling through the internet for jobs, customising my application for each role I would end up applying for. I went on museum tours on weekends and signed up for all kinds of free workshops I had any remote interest in. I was just so hungry for fresh new experiences to replace the old bad memories. There were many days when I would tire myself out so thoroughly so that I can crash in bed as instantaneously as possible. My heart just kept sinking. That was me for quite many several years. 

I can’t pinpoint what I did to lift me out of the four or five-year-long period of depression. Even after I’ve moved on with life, it never felt right. But I remember so vividly the exact magical moment when I knew I was fully ready to put those fearful memories behind me. I was standing on the beach alone on New Year’s eve of 2018, counting down to 2019. When the clock struck twelve, there were fireworks, couples, and families sharing their own intimate moments, songs, and cheers from the group behind me dancing around a bonfire. It was right there and then that I started sobbing uncontrollably. I literally felt the weight of a heavy burden lifted off me. Everything suddenly felt right. Everything that I had gone through, experienced and learned in the past years all made sense. All the tears, struggles, guilt, and triumphs mattered. There was a quote that so aptly summed it up:

The waiting. The meantime. The in-between. It all serves a purpose, even the delays, and detours.

In hindsight, I needed those difficult few years. There was a lot of time spent introspecting, asking myself some very difficult questions. It forced me to be very brutally honest with myself, but also clarified where my talents and merits lie. I’ve learned the importance of being both my own harshest critic and most compassionate friend. I’ve also built some of the strongest friendships I know I will keep for life during this time. 

Those were very formative years which I will always hold close to my heart. I say my greatest fear in life is regret because I am almost haunted by the fear of history repeating itself. I never want to feel worthless again.

I want to bring my most authentic self to the table everywhere I go - the kind of authenticity you can only derive from deep introspection and self-awareness and thus knowing exactly who you are, what you value, and what you deserve. 

If someone is faced with a challenge and looking for insight to move their life forward, where should they begin?

That's such a difficult question! I imagine it must be different for different people. I am an introvert and also a highly sensitive person, so I am obsessed with protecting my downtime. I get my mental and physical rest in, but it also allows me time for introspection. To me, self-awareness is key - understanding yourself as the basis for what you want and don’t want, what you value more than others, and how do you feel about something - as you approach the external world and everything that happens around you. But too much of a good thing can’t be good either. You don’t want to be completely egocentric, because the world also doesn’t just revolve around one person. That said, introspection is definitely a key first step. 

Most people say that answers to life’s most important questions can simply be found when you look inward. What were some of the key takeaways that you got from your experience?

Yes and no? 

Yes because our lived experiences are more an amalgamation of the stories we tell ourselves than just cold hard facts. How do we want to interpret these objective occurrences? What are the value judgments we bring in? How do we feel about the people involved, which will differ depending on your relationships with them? So there’s a lot of agency in us shaping the stories we tell ourselves, thereby our own realities and the memories they go on to create. 

But I also draw a lot of inspiration from the outside world. I’ve always been a curious person, and like to learn from the people who have spent years honing their craft. So I am going to museums and exhibitions when I can because I really admire how artists express an observation or reflection through their respective mediums. I also love it whenever I am taken on a journey of how a curator sees these art pieces. I don’t read as much as I would like to these days but I turn to dystopian novels to escape reality and at the same time help me reimagine boundaries and possibilities in the real world. Films and tv shows are increasingly taking on the role of critical social commentaries, so they are not just for brainless entertainment. My wishful thinking is I can one day be a polymath. But really, I’m a very kaypoh jack of all trades. 

When you feel stuck and you know you haven't recognised your full potential, what is the one action you take to move to the next step?

Free-writing has helped me a lot. Most of the time it is just an articulation of all the overthinking I've been doing in my mind. Some of my rawest reflections have emerged out of free-writing, so have some of my best writings. 

Like I mentioned in response to the previous question, I am very intentional about keeping myself informed by the wisdom of others because I live in my own head so much. Combined with critical self-reflection, these have helped inspire me of the possibilities I would otherwise have thought impossible. Again, at the end of the day, it boils down to the stories we tell ourselves and the lives we allow ourselves to live. We can sulk and be upset for a while. But if we are relentless about self-victimization and not allow ourselves the space to rest, to learn, and to grow, then we will forever be miserable in the same rut. 

Through your story, it feels that self-awareness was key, Why do you think self-awareness is important?

I think this is what people call wisdom? As you get more mature, having seen and experienced things, you understand what floats your boat and what doesn't. And you also start becoming pickier about who and where you invest your time on/in. It’s the same with your job, your craft, even your fashion style. They are always evolving and telling a brand of who you are and what you represent. That, I think, is clearest with self-awareness. 

Each of us is the only person to spend 24/7 of the time with ourselves, more than any external party in our lives. So I think there’s a lot of strength in being able to see yourself almost from a third-person point of view - to be your own best confidante to celebrate the smallest of victories, yet also be your own harshest critic to point out any slightest flaws honestly and bluntly.

photography Zahwah Bagharib