ON BREAKING DOWN STEREOTYPES AND FINDING HOPE

*Trigger Warning: Suicide*

Some of you reading this may already be quite familiar with Liyana’s story: she survived homelessness at 22 while being heavily pregnant with her third and only emerged stronger to become an entrepreneur, an award-winning author, a political figure who ran for Parliament in Singapore’s 2020 General Election, and most recently, a TEDx speaker! But Liyana was once a single mother who fell into a deep dark hole of helplessness and nearly succumbed to her feelings of unworthiness. We sat down with Liyana to peel the layers of her grand optimism today and discovered her deeper strength, grit, and resilience as she once fought to keep her and her children alive.

MY STORY IS …

By now, many people think that being homeless was my rock bottom and was my thrust to better changes in my life. It wasn’t. My impetus was when one day, after finally getting out of homelessness, I walked to the ATM to buy milk powder for my baby daughter and discovered that I only had SG$5.35 left in my bank account.

I was a single mother then and was suffering due to many challenges from my ex-husband. My money had been deducted for income tax payment. I left the ATM that day with no milk powder and a head full of worries for my three young children. I almost succumbed to the inner voices that coaxed me to end my life and contemplated bringing my children along because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my demise. I know what it feels like to be in a situation where all hope seems lost. It felt like no matter what I did, the grim reaper was right behind me. I felt unworthy of living.

I had fallen into such a dark hole. I once slept in a tent for two weeks when I was homeless and while some may already know this part of my story, they don’t know the other part to it; this experience most likely caused me to slip into depression that was not clinically diagnosed and so I wasn’t treated for it. Nobody knows this part of my story.

Everybody has seen the positive person that I am today but to be where I’m at now, I had to spend years on bettering myself, switching my mindset, and offering kindness, first to myself. It’s a process and one that I gave myself permission to experience fully and also took my time to heal, no matter how long it took.

Through my journey, I’ve learned to be self-aware and to always self-reflect through the conversations that I’ve had with different people from all walks of life. I couldn’t afford therapy and depended on my ad hoc counselling sessions to ask the right questions and understand better coping mechanisms. I did a lot of reading and jumped from one support group to another. Mentally, I became a nomad as I healed and sought parenting tips.

It’s been a decade since I stood by the roadside contemplating on walking straight into the incoming traffic with my children. It’s also been a decade since the day I stood at the edge of the 21st floor with my baby and my two young boys. It’s been a decade since the night I stood in the kitchen with a knife in my hand and a blank and numb mind as I stared at my children sleeping peacefully. My life has most definitely changed since.

I wish I could say the same for others struggling financially in Singapore. It’s still tough to bring families out of poverty but this task, though uphill, isn’t impossible. My recovery story can be a possibility for other single mothers and many other individuals and families who are still in this predicament. For that possibility to happen, we need to bring the community together. In solidarity, we can graciously extend our hands, better more lives, and not leave anyone behind.

For some whom may have read my book, Homeless: The Untold Story of a Mother’s Struggle in Crazy Rich Singapore, would find so many insights given from someone who had to claw her way out of the rut and navigate through the many bureaucratic processes in order to reach where she is today. It is sad that due to many factors including patriarchy and some of our government policies that are arguably non-inclusive, many women are still forced to turn to their superhuman strength to carry on with day-to-day life.

Recognising these factors, I decided to partake in politics to nip it in the bud. I am also still trying to get myself into law school and hopefully find a way to finance my studies while also financing my children’s. I have embraced that learning is lifelong for me and shall continue applying what I have learned daily.

I will keep on fighting bravely.

Your incredible resilience shines through in your story - you've shared some of your coping mechanisms when dealing with issues that impact your mental health. Have those coping mechanisms changed for you over time? If yes, how so, and if not, what has worked best for you?

I no longer go for counselling sessions as I am at a stage in my life now where I am fully present and am aware of what to look out for when anything affects my bliss or there are any changes in my moods, feelings, or my usual day-to-day routine.

I am grateful that I have reached a stage of being where I can embrace my true purpose and engage in meaningful activities daily. 

If it gets overwhelming at any point, I will go on a digital detox and soak myself in nature. Being thankful for the privilege to be able to plan things in my life now, I made it a point to take longer breaks in between my days. Apart from that, my recent break was three weeks out-of-office to give an opportunity for both my body and mind to heal from all my hard and heart work during the whole year of 2020. I realised at the beginning of 2021 that I haven’t had any downtime since I ran in the 2020 General Election. So I went for a week-long staycaytion and spent quality time with my husband and our four gorgeous children, played board games, read books and watched movies that were inspired by real-life experiences. We enjoyed each other’s company as a family and experienced new fun activities together.

You've had to become an adult at such a young age when you had your first child at 16 - what is one thing you would tell your younger self?

I wrote this piece recently as an open letter, an ode to my teen-mum journey and to celebrate another milestone for my firstborn. This will be the same advice I will give to my younger self and the other teen mothers I meet now.
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“Today I woke up with so much gratitude.

Grateful to be alive and even more so for this very special day today. I have included the moment of this day in my book but today's sentiments propelled me to add more truths, on top of what was shared and what you have read. Never forget what I have told you in person too.

Exactly as the clock struck 00:07, I heard your cries, and minutes later, I held you in my arms for the first time. That was 17 years ago today.

Today, I remember all the hurtful words that were thrown my way as I fiercely fought to have and keep you. I teared up. I couldn’t believe we could have and reached this day, 17 years later. I am grateful to be able to shed tears of both hurt and joy as I reminisce.

When I was adamant about the choice that I’d made all those years ago, I was told by many people that I’d destroyed my own future by having and deciding to keep you. After you were born, I was reminded time and time again by my friends, family, and society that I am a disaster, a failure, and that both you and I were society's garbage and these reminders came in the form of direct or sarcastic remarks, disapproving looks from the elderly and the fact that we were treated like we didn’t exist for over a decade. I am sorry for all the moments that you felt sad but thank you for the smiles that you energised me with.

The most hurtful blow for me was the shaking of heads from condescending strangers when I pushed you in your stroller when I was a 17-year-old myself. I had to remain calm then and did so by telling you: "It's okay. Do know that I love you and they can't see what I see (in you) yet."

You’ve helped me adult on many occasions. You’ve grown up to become my sounding board. You helped me decide on the course for my tertiary education too. Thank you for being there with me, my son - for protecting me, for hugging me, and for loving me unconditionally as I have, ever since I first held you in my arms 17 years ago.

Today, we completed your National Service pre-enlistment and deferred it for you to complete your studies. Today, I am extremely grateful and proud that YOU are the GREATEST DECISION I have made in my life.

You were the blessing I never knew I needed and as I raised you - though painstakingly in a non-supportive community - I am thankful that we have made it this far, together. God knows best what we know not.

To my son, Happy 17th Birthday Fitri. I am SUPER PROUD of YOU and what a fine young man you've become. Continue to be the best role model to your siblings, my prayers for your well-being, acceptance and success always. Enjoy this special day and may you be showered with much more happiness and joy!

Love,
Mama”

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What do you hope to achieve with your platform?

I hope to inspire other women and mothers to keep on fighting the good fight. My wish is for all girls and women to be empowered by my personal sharing and for them to uncover their inner strengths, discover their own worth, and witness their lives change for the better.

What advice would you give women who are doubtful about where they are in life right now?

My only advice to my sisters is to not lose their sense of curiosity. I strongly believe that our finest moments occur when we are feeling deeply messed up, unhappy, and alone. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomforts, that we step out of our comfort zones and start searching for different ways, truer answers, or solutions for ourselves and our loved ones.

What does female empowerment look like for you?

An empowered female, empowering another and paving the way for other females to offer their talent and contribution. This gif sums it all for me on female empowerment:

photography Zahwah Bagharib