ON CONFIDENCE, SELF-LOVE AND DETERMINATION

Those who know Nicole would understand what we mean when we say she brings warmth and friendliness to the people she meets. As you read her story, you will come to realise that the version Nicole is today is not the version she was 10 years ago and that it took effort and time for her to pick herself up after her troubling teenage days. Nicole shares with us her journey on how she found herself, 10 years later.

MY STORY IS …

“You don’t have to have sad stories to inspire people”, quote my friend. I always wanted to use my own “sad” story to inspire others, the “someone is having it worse than you” mentality to help others get through their own hardship. But what I have come to realise is that what they need isn’t someone telling them someone had it harder. What they wanted was someone there to listen and be present for them. Growing up in a typical Asian family, I didn’t have a family member whom I could talk to freely about my feelings. Not because they don’t care but they didn’t receive the same themselves.

When I was 15 years old, I suffered from depression and anxiety due to school bullying. I knew I had to take a break from school to heal myself. And there, four years passed and nothing had changed. Not even with professional help. I was still depressed and anxious all the time. I was so terrified of interacting with people, I bought a hearing aid online to pretend I’m deaf so I didn’t have to talk to people. I built my wall so high no one could see me crying for help. I’m not going to share my entire sad story here because that would be a 10-page long story. I am going to share how I overcame my “sad” story by using “love”. 

Everything changed in my life after I started practicing self-love. Self-love, easier said than done. Self-love goes hand-in-hand with confidence. There is no self-love without confidence and vice versa. It’s hard to love yourself when you didn’t get to experience love a lot in your life. It’s hard to have confidence when all you do is hate yourself in a society telling you you are not good enough. But you are enough.

I used to see motivational quotes like, “You are unique”, “You are one of a kind”, but none of them really touched my heart. I would be slightly more confident for an hour, and that’s it. Motivational quotes don’t really help you unless you work on it.

“Fake it till you make it” works for me. I started with daily affirmations. I listen to positive affirmations first thing in the morning every day and let it imprint on my subconscious mind. I write down the things I love about myself and read them again and again. I held my head up high everywhere I go and pretend there’s a spotlight shining around and that everyone is looking at me. It took a while, but pretending that I am confident works so much better than looking at motivational quotes, and it will have lasting results. 

Eye contact. I used to look away every time I talk to people because I didn’t have the confidence to look at people in the eye. Now, I am the one who stares at people in their eyes until they become uncomfortable and look away from themselves. I kid you not, it works. It was uncomfortable at first, but it worked.

I used to stutter every time I speak in English. I thought I lacked the vocabulary to talk to people. But no, what I lack was confidence. I started watching and listening to English programmes and podcasts every single day. I pretend I was the one speaking on stage as a public speaker. It took a lot of self-training and talking to yourself like a crazy person, but it worked. 

Do I still stutter sometimes? Yes. But am I still trembling in fear every time before I speak? No. 

Back in 2020, I lost 17kg for a guy who didn’t love me back. I was literally begging for him to love me. I lacked self-love so much, I seek love and validation from other people. I ignored all the red flags and lied to myself that he actually loved me. In the end, I didn’t gain any love but well, the only thing I lost from this relationship was the weight. Oh, and some dignity. 

When you love yourself, you don’t need love or validation from other people for you to be happy. When you love yourself, you glow from within. When you love yourself, you become love. Love has the highest vibrational frequency in the universe, followed by peace, and joy. What you put out to the universe, you received it back. I started giving myself validation and appreciation for who I am, little by little, and people starts to see me for who I see myself.

I wish I could go back to my teenage self and tell myself to stop caring about what other people think of me and start caring about what I think of them. Do they deserve to be in my life? Do they deserve to be loved by me? Do they carry the same type of love? Do they speak the same love language? Be careful of the people you keep in your life because the people you hang out with speaks a lot about who you are. I used to keep toxic friendships and relationships in my life just because I felt lonely. But what friends or partners are they if they don’t bring love, peace and joy into your life? 

Today, I made a lot of new friends and new relationships where there is mutual love and respect. I became an ambivert who not only enjoys making new friends and also appreciate my time alone to recharge and reflect. My 15-year-old self never would have imagined herself becoming a ball of love, so cheerful and positive 10 years later. I hope you find the courage to love yourself first, the courage to chase after what you love and let go of what’s not meant for you.  

We completely agree with you when you mentioned that no story is insignificant. Why do you think it's important for us to embrace our unique stories? 

Our stories shaped us into who we are today, good or bad stories. I used to be ashamed of my past, I was embarrassed I didn’t take the “normal route” everyone else took. But it’s your life. You are the author of your life. It doesn’t matter how successful you are or how much money you earn. It doesn’t matter if you graduate at the age of 40 years old. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from mental health issues. It doesn’t matter if you are a person with a disability. Everything doesn’t matter as long as you love and embrace yourself.  Life can be so simple if we let it be.

How did you come to the realisation that what you lacked was confidence and what did you do to gain it?

Do you believe that humans are actually born with self-confidence? I truly believed that. Until we grew older, we start to digest what our parents taught us, and what people say to us. My mum used to often say I’m beautiful and smart since I was a kid. I believed that. I thought I was pretty, and I did quite well in school too. (without being cocky). But, sometimes, people can be so cruel, even for little kids. I suffered from school bullying for many, many years. I lost all my confidence and self-esteem. I believed what they say to me. I judge myself. I became my biggest enemy. 

Human tends to be harsher on themselves and see the bad instead of the good. Focus on the good. Write down a list of things you love about yourself, even for things as small as how smooth your hair is or how kind you are as a person.

Don’t be stingy with compliments. Compliment people. Compliment yourself. When you believe in yourself, you can really do anything. Let go of the fear of being judged. Let go of unkind words. at the end of the day, words are just words.

My whole life I’ve been waiting for someone to show up for me to love me unconditionally, but I realised that the person I’ve been waiting for so long was myself. I longed for love I didn’t realise I had within me all along. Self-love will literally set you free. 

What is your approach to self-care and taking care of your mental health?

I literally think I’m the master of self-care, while not glorifying laziness. I always put myself first. I am my own priority, while not being selfish. (Communicate with the people who think you are selfish for putting yourself first, in a gentle manner. Encourage people to take care of themselves too.)

I work really, really hard during my working hours, and I rest really, really well after work. I bring myself out to “dates”. I take time for myself to reflect on my day. I hang out with amazing, loving people. I meditate. I do some of my own spiritual practice and listen to affirmation first thing in the morning. 

To be honest, many people think that giving yourself massages, manicures, pedicures, facials, the spa is self-care. They are not, they are self-pampering, which I highly recommend, but, true self-care is taking care of your mind and body. I wish people know more about the benefits of meditation and listening to affirmations. Schools should teach that. 

The biggest change I did in my life was that I stopped listening to sad music. A huge percentage of our body is made out of water. And if you read or watch Dr Emoto water research, you will understand how water affects our bodies. Be careful with the words you tell yourself and the music you listen to. Our subconscious digest all of the good and the bad, and you will become the things you do, say, and listen to.

By taking care of yourself first, you can change not only your world but the world.

What is your crazy?

I’m so thankful for all the hardship in my life as it shaped who I am today. A strong woman that is full of gratitude and love. When people ask me if I ever regretted taking that break from school that caused losing a lot of opportunities and running behind people my own age. But now I will tell you that I will regret it if I didn’t take that break. Life is not only about education and how much money you make. I’m proud that I took my mental health as a priority and took time to heal myself first. I fell down so many times in life but my strength and courage to stand back up get stronger and stronger.

Three years ago, I joined this amazing social enterprise that not only allows me to give back to society, and my job aligns with my passion to support the deaf community. I am also helping with recruiting and managing people with disabilities. I not only have amazing colleagues who support and love one another, and also work-life balance for me to take care of myself and the people around me. 

I used to hate how much I love, how much I cry, and how much I care. But to make it up for the things I didn’t make in life, like being successful, I think I have the biggest heart and happiness I can carry with my small body. And to me, that’s a success. 

It really gets better. Start by loving yourself.

photography Zahwah Bagharib