*Trigger Warning: Suicide*

MY STORY IS …

I work in a very male-dominated industry. I’m a freelance camera assistant in a production crew. Most of the time, I’m the only female in the technical crew. Being in a technical crew requires a lot of physical labour and strength, which explains why 90% of the crew are men. It’s tough being the only female in a technical crew sometimes. As a woman, I’m naturally smaller built than most men, which makes physical strength one of my weaknesses in this field. Some fully-built cameras can weigh up to 20 kilograms and it’s really difficult to work them on your own especially when you’re the only camera assistant on set.

I find it especially hard on days when I’m on my period. I remember there were times when the pain was excruciating - I almost fainted on set! I’m sure a lot of women can relate to period cramps. Now imagine having them while doing hard labour; it sure isn’t easy. There were many times when I really wanted to give up and take the day off, but I soldiered through each day and leaned into my resilience. It’s not easy especially on those days because the pain can truly disrupt my efficiency at work and the fact that no one else could relate makes it difficult for people to understand what I’m going through.

Apart from the physical labour of being in a technical crew, it’s also challenging because you’re always expected to be on your toes and keep up with the latest equipment and technology. It’s also all about practice and the job requires skills and experience in order for you to be an efficient crew member.

My job aside, for many years behind closed doors, I hid the fact that I’ve been a mental health patient the past eight years. I’ve been clinically diagnosed with major depression since 2012 and I’m still on medication and in therapy today. I didn’t use to share about my mental illness to people unless you’re a loved one and close to me because I was embarrassed. I felt ashamed to be mentally unfit and to share my story. But a recent event made me want to speak up about my mental health struggles because I want people who go through the same things as I do to know that they’re really not alone and that there’s someone out there who can truly relate and understand.

Every day is a constant battle with my negative thoughts and low self-esteem. There are countless days where I really dreaded getting out of bed, going to work or living life. I lost count the number of times I felt hopeless, useless and worthless, or the days when I just wanted to give up and not live anymore.

Yes, I have attempted suicide before but each time I intended to, I used all my might to fight it. The fact that I have survived and fought against my suicidal attempts helps to remind myself that if I could do it once, I could do it again. And that’s when I learned to keep fighting for the little survivor within me.

Being a patient with depression for eight years, I’ve learned to accept my mental illness as a part of me. It doesn’t mean that it defines me. I think once you learn to acknowledge your illnesses, flaws or weaknesses as parts of you, you will learn to love and accept yourself as what you are. Acknowledging the fact that I’m not perfect or that I’m mentally ill has given me the strength to know that these are parts and parcels of my life instead of wondering why I’m the way I am or thinking about the occasional relapses that I have. After all, I am the one in control of my life.

My crazy is embracing my flaws, failures and mistakes as part of my growth. Over the years, I’ve learned to acknowledge my daily struggles and life challenges as part of a learning process to become the best version of myself. 

Growing up, I have always been hard on myself and was constantly striving for perfection. I was terrified of making mistakes. But as I got older, I learned that there is perfection in being imperfect. My mistakes, failures, struggles and pain have brought me to where I am today. I learned to embrace the journey instead of focusing on the end goal. Of course it sucks to fail, but failure is also an opportunity for other forms of success. At the end of the day, I have not only gained more life experiences, but I’ve also built the resilience and strength to pick myself up and try again.

I hope my story can empower and reach out to inspire women who go through the same issues as I do. Know that there is someone out there who is also struggling and barely surviving but we can fight this together for ourselves.

photography Zahwah Bagharib