MY STORY IS …

November 2020 marked 11 years since I lost my mother to lymphoma. I did not have a close relationship with my mother before her passing. I was in my teens and was generally living my post-secondary school life where everything was exciting and new. Little did I know that 2009 was going to be the start of a grim period for me. I still live with this recurring guilt as I wasn't able to stay with her that night in the hospital due to a class test the next day. I still remember telling my mother that I would come back to visit her before her minor surgery after I finish my test. She passed away about one to two hours that night after we left.

 Everything was a blur after receiving the news officially from the doctor. During and after her burial, I resented every single person who told me to stop crying or to move on. It resulted in me acting in ways that were unhealthy emotionally. I was depressed yet tried my best to behave like I wasn't. I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode as my anger grew larger and larger within. Eventually, I lost a lot of people closest to me as they couldn't understand my behaviour. As the years passed, I realised that the closest people forgot their pain and dealt with their grief by moving on with their own lives. So I tried to do the same too. 

 I came across a papercraft book at the library that I was working at in 2015. Flashbacks of my mother's crafts came back to me; from the plastic flower stalks, she made to the mini kampung made out of ice-cream sticks. My mother was an avid crafter who could craft, crochet, and sew really well. Even though the relationship with my mother was complicated, I felt a strong urge to give crafting a go. After practising and lots of trial and error to create different paper flowers.

I finally found a way to reconnect with my mother in a positive way. 

 I started an Instagram page called ‘Messy Little Project’ as a form of connection with my mother's love of crafts. I crafted a lot of flowers for different clients in those initial two years I was doing it. With the full support of my husband, I left my full-time job and worked solely on my small craft business. Unfortunately, my crafting journey had to be put on hold after I fell into another state of depression after giving birth in 2017. I longed for my mother more than I ever did during my first year of motherhood. I didn’t know that I would feel alone and isolated going through motherhood without my own mother. I cried and broke down a lot during the first two years postpartum. 

During the second year of motherhood, I knew I needed to renew my passion for crafting with a new vision. I wanted to show my daughter that the love of craft that I share with my mother had blossomed into a beautiful creation for everyone else. With the help of Studio Merpati, I rebranded ‘Messy Little Project’ to KarāHop.

At the start of KarāHop, I came upon the realisation that it was okay for me to grieve. There were times when I cried a lot when I reminisced moments with my mother. However, I didn't push my feelings aside like I did before and learned that being tender and open is beautiful.

People's opinions on how I grieve does not matter.

Grief isn't a set timeline but a continuous journey. A journey that has led me to discover a new me.

photography Zahwah Bagharib