words Ry-Ann Lim

Traditionally, most of us associate the holidays with feelings of joy and celebration. However, for millions of people living through the pandemic, the holiday season will only compound feelings of grief - be it grief over the death of a loved one, the lack of social connection or the loss of the pre-pandemic lifestyle. 

This year I spent my second year celebrating my birthday and Hari Raya (or Eid) away from family and close friends. However, much has changed in a year. Namely having accumulated loss from the pandemic. I had a catch up with a good friend from India who recently recovered from COVID-19, unfortunately not all her family members survived. While the call was intended to wish me well, we ended up deepening our friendship by discussing grief.

I appreciate the candour and vulnerability of the conversation and how it opened up thoughts that in the “new normal”, we would have to learn how to hold the tension between celebration and gratefulness; grief and mourning.

As of May 2021, 3.34million people had died of COVID-19. This means millions of people will be mourning the loss of a mother, father, extended family member or friend during the holiday season. The fact that many people were unable to attend loved ones’ funerals or see them before they passed away only compounds that grief. 

The holidays place additional pressure on individuals who are grieving, as most people associate the period with feelings of joy and happiness. People will grieve other things connected to the pandemic during this holiday season as well: the loss of a job, the inability to commune with others, or the lack of a general sense of safety and stability. 

I believe we should not sweep our feelings of grief and loss under the carpet during the holidays. Suppression may be unhealthy. Instead, here are some best practices that grief specialists recommend: 

Acknowledge your emotions

We should accept that grief is a part of life. Loss seems like a disruption to the usual order of things. In fact, loss is the usual order of things. We are always losing something.  Embrace the full range of human emotions: Be sad about the loss of a loved one, but also allow yourself to feel happy when something brings you joy. I’ve heard it said before that grief is undirected love. Grief specialist Francis Weller puts it as “It is the broken heart, the heart that knows sorrow that is also capable of genuine love.”

Honour by paying tribute to the person you are grieving 

If you are grieving a person who used to be part of your holiday celebrations, find a way to feel their presence despite their absence. You might, for example, cook their favourite dish or put up their favourite decorations. While this may evoke some sentimental (and difficult) emotions, this may also reframe a sad event to a celebratory and honouring one.

Employ mindfulness techniques to ease being emotionally overwhelmed

Some basic mindfulness techniques can help ease emotional overload. For example, directing your attention to one specific in-the-moment thing, such as observing your breathing, or noticing a particular smell or bodily sensation. Ask yourself “what is my internal weather at this moment?”

Practise self-care 

Be extra kind to your body this time. Listen to your body and notice any uncomfortable sensations (there will be many!). Physical wellness can help you deal with emotional pain and mental depletion. Stay hydrated and exercise, preferably outdoors and with an endorphin producing cardio component. 

Consider therapy

Given how difficult the holidays can be, you may benefit from seeking out professional help to help explain what you might experience following the death. This may help increase your sense of control and facilitate adaptation to a new chapter.