ON ACCEPTING GRIEF AND FINDING HER PURPOSE

“My crazy is believing that every voice deserves to be heard.”

Elfarina’s energy is catching. As you spend the day with her, you can feel her passion for books and the untold stories that matter to her dearly. But it is more than just the books that keep her going, it is also her curiosity to learn about the unique lived experiences of others through these stories. You will also learn through her own story that she leans into empathy not just when it comes to others, but more importantly for herself and that is something we can all be inspired by.

MY STORY IS …

Grief is a friend to me, someone I have grown to live with and accept, even cherish – it is a state of being I will always be in. I tried to fight it time and again, always wondering when I will get to that state of acceptance and let go of grief in my life. Turning 30 at the end of this year and the biggest lesson I have learned is that grief is not my enemy. I do not wish to romanticise the pain and the hurtful moments in my life but losing my mother at sixteen has led me to form a complicated and meaningful relationship with grief to this day.

I carry the memories of my mother in my heart with me every step of my way; her sheer existence in my formative years inspires me to be who I am today. My crazy is believing that every voice deserves to be heard – and my mother’s has remained the loudest voice.

My reading habits are shaped largely by my mother’s passion as an avid reader. I still own her journals where she had copied down short stories onto because she could not buy those books back in her younger days! She shared her bookstore adventures with me, how she befriended the owners who allowed her to camp out for hours. After nearly two years of being on a social media detox, back in 2018, I opened up her journals again and read them endlessly.

That was when I decided to start pagesofelly, a bookstagram account, to write about my adventures as an avid reader too! Since then, I have been a content creator reviewing SingLit books, among other literary, fiction, nonfiction and academic works. I wanted a way to document my own learning, unlearning – and relearning - processes, by having a public platform that allows me to reflect more consciously and pen down my thoughts about a particular book.

Having a bookstagram account paved a way for me to share my personal reflections, and have crucial conversations with more people in Singapore, and beyond! Now, I am constantly drawing inspiration from many book lovers and passionate readers on Instagram and in real life.

Talking about books has become a natural conversation starter for me, allowing me to talk about issues and causes that I feel strongly about. The book-related content I create is just me, left alone with my own thoughts, reflecting on the characters, themes and societal issues presented in a book. It helps me constantly learn to build new ways for us to create better and more equitable ways of living in society today.

Personally, I have been more conscious about the books that I choose to read. Choosing books that will challenge my thoughts and worldviews, to unlearn and relearn certain narratives that have been taken for granted. For instance, spotlighting women writers in March leading up to International Women’s Day.

Most importantly, literature has offered me solace in many ways, especially during my darkest moments, allowing me to connect deeply with others – voices and stories of strangers in other communities.

Naturally, after a year of being part of the bookstagram community, I was strongly driven to spread the love of reading and connect with people in Singapore and started a book club here! I founded No Readgrets Book Club in August 2018 together with two other inspiring women, Firqin Sumartono and Martina Moy who are now my pillars of strength. We are a women-led book club that facilitates discussions on literature and film from local writers and artists. We use the stories in these works to drive in-depth conversations on local society, history, culture and politics. We host bi-monthly book club sessions where we hope to get people thinking and talking about the everyday lives that inspire fiction, as well as the larger forces that drive non-fiction because honestly, the best part of reading a good book is telling everyone about it.

Being mindful to provide a safe space for conversations is central to our work at No Readgrets. The books and films we select aim to spotlight marginalised voices, and we make conscious efforts to choose authors who are from minority races and of course, female authors and creators. Every session has been a thought-provoking and life-changing experience for me, engaging with the local community and continuing to allow every voice to be heard.

So yes, my crazy stems largely from my mother’s crazy – the one woman who taught me to use my voice and be loud in my love language.

We live in a culture that wants to move through grief as quickly as possible, indirectly hoping to avoid the pain. But for you, you’ve ‘grown into it’. What were some of the key experiences you’ve taken away from that?

Some key experiences I've taken away from that include:

The ability to realise when sadness, like any other emotion, needs to be felt and dealt with. There is no shame in needing a good cry. There is no shame in asking for an empathetic listening ear.
There are actions that can be taken to deal with an overwhelming sense of loss and there are physical or behavioural signs to look out for.
One never stops grieving. It doesn't get easier to deal with but we get better at dealing with grief.
Having strong social support including family, friends and the community, is crucial in dealing with grief.

For those that are currently dealing with their own grief, what’s your advice?

There is no right way to deal with grief. Everyone grieves in different ways, so find the way that works for you - one that helps you to name and identify the feeling of grief so that you can deal with it. It doesn't get easier to deal with but we get better.

If there was a book you would carry with you forever, what would that be and why?

All about Love by Bell Hooks . This book taught me what it means to practise an ethic of love, to know love as a verb - not an obscure, undefined noun. It serves as a pertinent reminder for me to live out my truth, and keep on upholding the values that are necessary to build a more just and inclusive society.

There’s a belief that books and literature have the ability to make us emotionally and physically stronger. Were there any specific moments during the No Readgrets Book Club where you felt or noticed this?

Yes, I felt and noticed this during all our book club sessions! The ability for attendees to share their perspectives often include the sharing of personal struggles and challenges, and how they overcome those challenging times. The beauty lies in seeing the other attendees responding empathetically, time and again, especially since we discuss societal issues and lived experiences from a particular book or film.

What is your approach when it comes to self-care and taking care of your mental health?

I write in a daily journal about my daily life. It has been a habit since I was a child, one that was developed by my late mother too! So when it comes to self-care, I have a weekly routine: I turn inwards and ask myself explicitly to list down one thing I am unhappy about in my life and then I list down as many things that I am happy or thankful about in my life.

Do you have any advice for women who want to take that leap to pursue something they're passionate about but are afraid to do so?

Listen to your heart; it will tell you what you need to do.

photography Zahwah Bagharib

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