The Freedom To Choose
“So don’t sit there and tell me that marriage isn’t an economic proposition, because it is.”
Amy March, Little Women
words Ry-Ann Lim
Recently, titles such as Indian Matchmaker, A Suitable Girl and Little Women have been trending on my Netflix feed. They all centre around the theme of marriage and singleness.
Growing up in Asia, I have seen how singles can be undervalued by society. While the younger generation is beginning to respect an individual’s choice to remain single, the older generations might expect us to comply with the marital social norm… and get married ASAP. Asian countries, in particular, tend to stigmatise being single and diversions from the expected norms.
However, we should start rethinking singleness because what’s more dramatic than the trend toward later marriage and parenthood is the projected increase in proportions of men and women who will never marry and remain childless because of very real economic decisions.
Trends and Archetypes: The rise of the "crazy cat" lady
Although the proportion of singles in Asian countries above 30 is still low, there has been a remarkable increase over the years.
Source: A combination of data from i). Jones & Yeung 2014. Marriage in Asia. Jornal of Family Issues and ii) Yeung, Desai & Jones 2018. Families in Southeast and South Asia. Annual Review of Sociology.
Despite these proportions being lower compared to Western countries, we may expect a growing proportion of singles in the coming years. As this group of people is still likely to be the minority in society, it is worth considering the well-being of singles and to begin preparing a non-judgmental society, ready to accept different life choices deviating from the norm.
“My family valued what other people around us would say about us - having proper impressions were their first priority. So, I never had the freedom to choose not to marry. I argued and bit my nails as my parents would try to match-make me even till now. I may have chosen not to get married but my parents, on the other hand, do continue to push at times just not as persistent now.”
Revathie Dhanabalan’s response when asked if she’s been in a position to have the freedom to choose not to marry.
We’ve heard it before, older single women as the “crazy cat lady” often portrayed in Western media with unsavoury undertones attached. In Asia, there is a stigma attached to single Asian women past ideal age for marriage too. In Japan, these women are known as “Christmas Cakes” or “Parasite Singles” because most unmarried adults live with their parents. In Korea, the term “Gold Miss” was coined because they are an ‘old’ miss yet ‘gold’ women who are usually educated and economically capable. In China, “Sheng-nu” is literally translated as leftover women (Ouch!).
Eleanor Abernathy, popularly portrayed as the “crazy cat lady” on the Simpsons stereotypes the smart and ambitious woman who earned an MD from Harvard Medical School and a JD from Yale Law School who ends up alone with many cats.
The marriage package: Women’s economic independence and the opportunity costs of marriage and parenthood
Perhaps one reason behind the trend toward later and less marriage in East Asia is the lack of change in the nature and meaning of marriage. A relative lack of change in traditional family roles and more economic opportunities are presenting women the freedom to choose to delay the onerous status of a wife and mother.
“I don't question relationships or love but I do doubt the institution itself ... I believe there's a stronger sense of belonging and companionship with your partner when you don't have any legal aspects tying two people together.. From what I have seen, marriage comes with a cost. Particularly with my family where filial piety tends to outweigh any singular love for one another… Now, as an adult and of a younger generation, my goals, intent, priorities shifted. I simply wanted different things and marriage wasn't part of that equation. Partnership yes, marriage no.”
Revathie Dhanabalan’s response when asked why she has decided not to get married
What I have observed is that family obligations and expectations comprising the “marriage package” have become increasingly unattractive to women as their range of life options available to them broadens. For many, the entire package of marital roles of the wife is what is being delayed, including children with intensive care needs, a heavy household task load, and sometimes, co-residence with parents-in-law, which is potentially included in the bargain. I recall a friend once explicitly calling this a “shitty package”.
In Malaysia, where I grew up, it is customary to tell newlyweds at weddings to “go forth and multiply” as soon as they say “I do!” (How stressful!). It seems that the stable institution of marriage includes a strong correlation between marriage and childbearing. Women face an expectation of rapid transition to parenthood after marriage.
Some of us would still predict that women who are highly educated would marry later, be less likely to ever marry, and have fewer children. Disclaimer: I don’t think this! But several empirical studies have found that women’s education and earnings are positively linked to when they get married or that they never do at all. Countries that continue to have high gender wage gaps and rank poorly on gender equality pose high opportunity costs of marriage are thought to be particularly high for well-educated women.
How to help shape society to be more tolerant of voluntary and involuntary singles?
More importantly, there is consistent evidence that a large majority of young men and women in Asian countries value marriage and want to marry. However, this (sizable) portion of singles might never marry unless current marital behaviour changes significantly. Is the freedom to choose really freedom at all if it comes at a high opportunity cost?
In Asian countries where Western culture has inevitably permeated, being single may be easier as singles do not have to overcome strong social pressures. By contrast, societies where the marriage package ideology is dominant, more adjustments in the household are required. At the same time, single people are placed at risk of having low psychological well-being as their personal life choices might seem taboo, deemed incomplete or lacking because they do not fulfil the ‘normal’ life narrative. I have met very successful and smart men and women who had to do some serious soul-searching to overcome this perceived ‘lack’ in life experience.
Very simple steps can be done at the community and organisational level to address the well-being of both voluntary and involuntary singles. Firstly, let’s be more mindful of how we address singles; we shouldn’t assume they are isolated and lonely or have difficult personalities. At work, single workers should also not be expected to pick the work for their married bosses and colleagues. I have no doubt that simple actions like these go a long way in shaping a more tolerant society.
The gender revolution that has brought about women’s attainment in education and the workforce requires a revolution in the social understanding of the role of a husband and wife in the household as well. While much of the research on trends in family attitudes emphasises women’s increasing distaste for the marriage package, it is encouraging to note that recent studies suggest that men too are increasingly questioning the benefits of the typical East Asian breadwinner–homemaker/mother marriage. I am hopeful that over time, more room for voluntary singles in society will be made. I believe that during this lifetime, single people will be able to spend festive holidays without dreading the annual interrogation by elders (read: aunty and uncles) about when they will marry; having non-judgmental conversations toward them.
I hope singles will have the freedom to truly live out marriage as a personal choice rather than an obligation or societal norm.