words Ally

It’s difficult, to sum up my story because it feels like I’ve lived so many lives in this one lifetime. Above all else, this journey of mine has been a never-ending road of learning and self-discovery.

As a survivor of years of toxic and abusive relationships, I struggled with loving and caring for myself through most of my life. It’s difficult, even till now, to refer to what I went through as an abusive relationship. Abuse comes in so many forms: physical, emotional, psychological. It’s so difficult to clearly define it.

Was he really abusive? Shouldn’t I, his partner, be able to accept him as he was, flaws and all? Was the problem me?

My previous relationship sunk me into severe depression. Winning because he was physically stronger than me, fighting with the intention to hurt me with words and crush my self-worth, the lies, manipulation, the inability to accept no for an answer, and his promise to never, ever leave me even when we had called it quits. The emotional and mental weight of this relationship was immense. I completely broke myself at my lowest, allowing the negativity and insecurity he projected onto me to taint the way I perceived myself.

He used to say things to me to make me think and believe I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, hot enough. I was never enough. But he was the person I loved most, cared for the most, and put before myself always. Of course, I took his words to heart and believed it to be the truth.

The first time he pushed me up against a wall with his hands around my throat in a fit of anger, I didn’t experience physical pain that day, there were no bruises, but I’ve never felt more betrayed in my entire life than I did in that single moment. How could I be here, at this moment with the same man who tells me he loves me every day, hugs me when I cry, laughs with me till my stomach hurts, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Why didn’t I leave then? I tried to walk away more times than I can bear to count. He knew me inside out, and he always knew exactly what to say, and when to say it.

“Who would want you now? You’re as damaged and broken as me.”
“I only act this way because I love you so much. I could never bear to lose you. You’re all I have.”
“You promised me you would never leave, how can you walk away from us now?”

For a long, long, time, I really believed it all.

When we were broken up, he would wait outside my house, drunk and lurking, waiting for me to show up. The one time I went home on my own without a friend to accompany me, he managed to catch up to me. More screaming, yelling, using force to prevent me from leaving, grabbing my wrists, begging for another chance. I had to take a different route home from work for weeks out of fear of bumping into him again.

I desperately wanted it to be over. I needed this relationship to be over. I was crying myself to sleep every night, I couldn’t focus on work, my relationship with my family was deteriorating because I had become so withdrawn and secretive about everything. Yet I forgave him every single time he cried and promised to be a better man, and we’d try to make it work again. The longer we spent together, the further away I moved from everyone else I loved. I was tired of the judgement, tired of defending him to my friends, tired of trying to explain why I was still with him, tired of the constant interrogation and the looks of pity.

I had too much to deal with, I didn’t have the ability to deal with anything or anyone outside of this bubble he and I lived in.

I can’t remember the exact moment I found the strength to walk away from it all, but one day, I had finally had enough. I was tired of looking in the mirror and hating myself every single day for not being stronger. Finding the strength to finally protect myself and remove myself from this situation came largely from the unwavering support I received from my friends and family. There were the friends who would pick up the phone every single time I needed to cry, the ones who would go out and be silly with me when I needed to take my mind off things, and the ones that would remind me every single time that I was beautiful and smart and kind and that this wasn’t what love should feel like, and that I deserved so much more out of this life. Equally important were the friends who never let me off the hook, who asked the tough questions even when I got angry with them, who held me accountable for the decisions I was making, even when I stopped speaking to them. My family, who always knew I was going through a rough time (but never knew what was going on) was always there.

With enough love and support, I was able to muster up the courage to leave that very last time, slowly but surely picking up the pieces and building a new life for myself.

The road to recovery was excruciating. I had so many trust issues to work through. More than forgiving him, I struggled so much to forgive myself. I felt so stupid for letting someone else treat me so poorly through all those years. I blamed myself for a lot of it. Why didn’t I love myself enough to put a stop to it? Where do I even go from here? Who was I without him? I leaned on alcohol and parties to keep my mind off things, trying so desperately to drown out the voices in my head. It took a long while for me to admit to myself that masking the pain wasn’t going to make it go away. It was only then that I was forced to start my journey inward, to reconnect with myself, to find myself again.

The most important lessons I took away from all this – everything begins with loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and accepting yourself for who you are. Healing and self-care is hard work (and the work never ends) but it is the only way we grow. Looking back, I understand that a lot of my ex’s actions were a result of his own insecurities, and him battling his own demons. It had nothing to do with me. Now, I understand the power of words and just how much weight they carry. It’s made me so much more mindful of the words that I use when around others too. I’ve learnt that, while you can have little to no control over your external circumstances, what you CAN control is your reaction to situations. And while it’s great to want to support others in their growth and journey in life, you should never do it at the expense of your own peace of mind, safety or mental and emotional well-being.

Drawing healthy boundaries in all my relationships has been the key to a lot of my happiness.

Fast forward to now, I’m so happy with my life, and myself. I just married my best friend, the kindest and most loving human I know. He’s taught me so much about life and love and shown me the importance of protecting your energy and surrounding yourself with positivity. He was at the heart of all my healing, helping me to undo and unpack so much of the hurt and betrayal of the past, always challenging me to see myself as I am, and not through the lens of others.

If you ask me what advice I’d give the younger version of myself if I could? I’d tell her, know yourself, trust your gut and believe in your own strength and power. Never dim your light for anyone and let your family and friends in, allow them to help you, lean on them for strength, trust in their love and concern for you. Be brave.

Love means growing together, showing mutual respect and working together to find solutions to problems with kindness. Love should never be violent, uncompromising or spiteful.

To anyone struggling through life with the weight of the world on your shoulders, always remember that your life can be anything you want it to be, and it’s never too late to start over or try again. You are, and always will be, enough. Keeping sending your light and love out into the universe <3

How to get help?

If you are or someone you know is experiencing abuse and need someone to talk to, please call these hotlines and support numbers:

AWARE – 1800 777 5555 (Monday – Friday, 10 am – 6 pm)
ComCare Call - 1800 222 0000
PAVE - 6555 0390
TRANS Family Services - 6449 9088

Visit www.breakthesilence.sg for more information on family violence, the available help avenues and the National Family Violence Networking System (NFVNS).

Please call 999 if you need immediate assistance or have already been hurt.

Love Is Respect

Was he really abusive? Shouldn’t I, his partner, be able to accept him as he was, flaws and all? Was the problem me?

“Who would want you now? You’re as damaged and broken as me.”

“I only act this way because I love you so much. I could never bear to lose you. You’re all I have.”

“You promised me you would never leave, how can you walk away from us now?”

I had too much to deal with, I didn’t have the ability to deal with anything or anyone outside of this bubble he and I lived in.

With enough love and support, I was able to muster up the courage to leave that very last time, slowly but surely picking up the pieces and building a new life for myself.

Drawing healthy boundaries in all my relationships has been the key to a lot of my happiness.

Love means growing together, showing mutual respect and working together to find solutions to problems with kindness. Love should never be violent, uncompromising or spiteful.

How to get help?