Three Things I Learnt Before Turning Thirty
Life lessons as I turned 30 on the 30th!
words Liyana Sapwan
I turned thirty at the end of May (cue panic and despair). While it was a huge milestone, ‘thirty’ was always deemed a scary word among friends my age. I’ve always felt the pressure to have it all figured out by the time I turn thirty - a successful career, a family of my own, the perfect body… and the list goes on.
Now that the time has come for me to confront this fact, I realised that I might have failed at adulting. I’m nowhere near where I had envisioned myself to be at this age.
But what I’ve also come to realise is: It’s okay.
It’s okay to not be on par with my peers, it’s okay to not have that career I’ve always dreamed of, it’s okay to start a family in your thirties. I’m not a failure.
To anyone feeling the same way as I am, let’s stop being scared.
Instead, be grateful for how far you’ve come and use the lessons you’ve learnt to prepare you and to motivate you.
Here are the three big life lessons I’ve learnt to help me embark on the next chapter of my journey:
Self-Love Isn’t Easy
My twenties saw me struggling with my identity and not really liking who I am. It took some time, and I’m still learning, but I’m finally comfortable with who I am as a person.
Being an introvert, I struggled with being myself and finding my voice in social settings and in the workplace. I found myself trying to be someone I’m not. I hated that this was holding back. Over time, I’ve learnt that this doesn’t make me weak. I didn’t need to be cured. In her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, Susan Cain said that “The trick for introverts is to honour their own styles instead of allowing themselves to be swept up by prevailing norms.”
I focused on my strengths and started to believe in myself. I learnt to set boundaries. While it’s still a work in progress, I’m more comfortable speaking up now and in turn, letting my personality shine.
Having gained weight over the past few years (thank you, declining metabolism!), it affected my confidence even further. I still struggle with this daily, but I’m slowly coming to terms with it and at the end of the day, I’m just thankful that I’m still healthy and able to do the things I want to do.
My late twenties then saw me obsessed with social media. Safe behind a screen, I could pretend to be someone else. I was addicted to the likes and constant validation. I became obsessed with documenting my daily activities to make it seem like I was living the perfect life. I became dependent on filters (thank you, photo editing apps and Instagram!). I would look forward to receiving praises from friends and strangers.
It wasn’t until a year ago that I noticed that it was becoming extremely unhealthy - I started to feel empty and honestly, just tired. I took a break from social media and it was the best thing ever. I could focus on what was important, specifically putting in the work to love myself instead of living a facade.
Entering my thirties, I hope to not only continue practising self-love but also focus on my mental health. It isn’t easy but it’s worth it.
Find Your Tribe & Don’t Let Go
I almost lost my friends when I was in a toxic relationship in my early twenties. I stayed in the relationship when they told me not to. I foolishly listened to my ex when he told me to stop meeting my friends. It wasn’t until it was too late that I realised I should have listened to my friends instead.
But when I was left all alone, my friends were still there to pick me up.
It took tough and honest conversations, effort and time to rebuild those friendships. I formed my tribe. And I hung on to them.
They held my hand through tough times, told me things I didn’t want (but needed) to hear and loved me when I found it hard to love myself.
I honestly don’t know where I’d be without them.
You Deserve To Be Loved
I also spent my twenties healing from multiple heartbreaks. And when I thought I finally found love, it ended up being a toxic and abusive relationship.
It took five years of being single, time alone to reflect and conversations with friends (I should pay them for the “free” therapy sessions) to finally break the cycle - I identified patterns and issues that I needed to address.
Still, I’m grateful for each of those experiences. Not only did I grow from them as a person, but it also led me to eventually finding my amazing partner (thank you, OkCupid! #notsponsored).
No clichés here, but I’m glad it didn’t work out with anyone else. Through those painful, yet much-needed lessons in love, I now know what I deserve.
Looking back at what I’ve written, I can feel my heart swell with gratitude. Gratitude for all that I have, all that I’ve lost and all that I’ve learnt in the past three decades.
And I know I’ll figure it out, I always do. I’m no longer scared.
So cheers to me, my thirty years and more to come!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Currently, on a journey of self-discovery, Liyana hopes to inspire others through her experiences.