What Kindness to Myself Could Look Like
And how it comes in many different ways.
words Nawira Baig
It’s a weekday morning and I’m home. I’m not working from home, though. I recently left a workplace I love so I could grow past my comfort zone. Change is hard and transitions take time. So here I am allowing myself to not just miss what I love, but also do what I love. Today, I’m choosing to indulge in writing what I’ve come to realise.
Honouring my pace and possibilities
Dealing with leaving a workplace is like dealing with a breakup.
I find myself reminiscing and reflecting on experiences that are now cherished memories, but also reminding myself of the things that led me to leave. “What if I had stayed? If only things were different.” I now also wonder what I’m supposed to do with all this time at hand, the time I had needed to focus on healing from a possible burnout and to also explore other facets of myself and my life. Basically, to not rush into another ‘relationship’ but to fall in love with myself. It feels like I’m supposed to have been there, done that, at this age, to have checked off things on my list of career achievements and pursuits. Yet I know right here, right now is where I’m meant to be. For now. And I can choose to honour what I need at this moment while looking forward to what lies ahead.
Giving myself time with giving and receiving love
Then there’s the whole dating game (if that’s what it’s called) and falling in love.
I’m savouring moments while it lasts and wondering if a certain someone could be the right person. I’m allowing myself to take time to give love, but to also learn to receive healthy love. What might feel easy for others, can be a real challenge when you have experienced sexual assault and trauma. I don’t want a fear of intimacy to hold me back, but I also don’t want to trust too easily and too soon, especially when my last relationship was a toxic one filled with emotional and verbal abuse. Feeling safe has become a priority for me. I’m not just listening to my heart and mind, but also my body, because it knows. I’m taking my time with exploring where things can go, being mindful of being present with my experiences and connecting with my potential partner and his feelings. Meanwhile, I’m also enjoying being a single woman with goals and dreams of her own. Society says women need to be happily married with bouncing babies by a certain age. Yet we all know that milestones and timelines are what you make of it. So here I am, giving myself time as I inch towards the big 3-0.
Loving the body I am in
I’ve not met a woman who has not worried about her looks or weight.
We’re supposed to be ‘this’ and ‘that’ but it somehow is never enough. As a curvy woman, falling in love with my own body, especially when it has been through so much, has been a journey of its own. I honour and cherish my body for the things it allows me to do and for carrying me through the good and bad times in my life. The body keeps scores and remembers when you’ve been through sexual trauma. I allow myself to gradually release the pain and negative energy through movement and dance, and being one with nature.
Somehow, I fall in love with myself more deeply when I express my emotions this way. Maybe it’s years of traumatic experiences begging to be released. Having lost weight the healthy way, 36kg to be precise, after struggling with somewhat disordered eating, I know that weight loss starts with a mindset change. When I could do that, everything else fell into place. And it comes from a place of love, not a place of hate. I want to take care of myself and be healthier and happier, not because I despise how I look or because I’m unhappy, but because I love and adore who I am. And that, ladies, works wonders radically! Today, I can honestly say that I love the brown skin I’m in, and if that’s not enough, I love my curls, even when it’s not bouncing!
Recognising the goals that keep me going
People often ask me what keeps me going in life, especially when life gets hard.
Having lost my dad to advanced lung cancer, struggling with finances and not having much when we were younger, and dealing with mental health challenges and trauma in my youth, I know what keeps me going strong is having meaning and purpose in life. This is personal to each individual but knowing what it is for you helps make the journey ahead a little easier. I’ve come to realise that my purpose in life is “to heal and help heal” while also giving voice to voices often unheard, especially when it comes to mental health and sexual trauma. With years of mental health advocacy and personal and professional experiences, I’ve witnessed and heard how far too many people suffer in silence when it comes to mental health. In fact, I don’t know anyone who has not experienced a touch of it in some way in their lives. It is simply not worth it to shroud our mental health experiences in silence. I have lived through this journey and I know that it is possible to not just survive, but to thrive and to achieve your goals. Remember these goals you set for yourself, but when things feel overwhelming, break it down and pace yourself before you break down. On days you can’t thrive, focus on surviving. You’re only human.
Allowing myself space and time to gain clarity
Distance and time can give and reveal.
You gain perspective and clarity on issues that matter to you, things like who you love, where you want to be, who you feel good around and want to be with, what you want to do in life, and more. We often don’t hear enough of ourselves because we’re more in tune with ‘noise’ than our inner self. Giving myself space and time to check in with myself and follow up on the things that matter to me allows me to recognise what truly matters and means something to me. It’s allowing myself to be away from the ones I love to be with myself, to sit in silence and calmness even for a few moments. For one, I have come to realise who and what I want in my life, both personally and professionally. So today, I’m choosing distance and space so that I may realise for myself the steps to take next, to go the distance.
About the Author:
Nawira advocates mental wellness for individuals, organisations and nations. Leveraging a communications background and her interest in psychology, she brings forth ‘voices unheard’ to shape narratives and influence public discourse on issues related to mental health. She serves on the External Affairs Committee and Board of the US-based National Association of Peer Supporters, and the Youth Advisory Board of the International Association for Premenstrual Disorders. Nawira’s newfound interests include women’s mental wellness and developing trauma, gender and culturally-informed care and support in Singapore and beyond.