MEET IRMA NIZA JAMAL

“My crazy is my strong sense of individuality,

where I don't really care what the trend is, or what the 'in' thing is.

”

*Trigger Warning: Suicide*

MY STORY IS …

Coming from a broken family, I suppose I was destined to be a statistic. I managed to break away from the stigma due to my strong sense of individuality. I was never tempted to join the bad crowd in school, always a latecomer but was never really a troublemaker. I kept my grades up, I had a few good friends that kept me somewhat grounded, or at least as grounded as a teenager could be! But it was lonely being an individual. Especially in my graduating year in secondary school. I’d lost all my girlfriends because I could no longer align myself with them. It was even harder at home as I often found myself misunderstood and had to go against my mum and brother. There were many late nights spent in my room reading, writing and talking to the moon.

My mum's flat is on the 19th floor. I insisted on getting the bedroom where my window would face the carpark rather than the corridor. I loved my room. On weekends, I would open the windows as wide as possible and let the sunshine in. And the breeze was amazing, especially when the front door was opened. The view was breathtaking. In the evenings, when there's a full moon, I could see it clearly and used to take pictures of it on my old digital camera.

When the nights started getting longer and the days, harder, I used to stand by the window and just stared as far as I could. Sometimes I would sit on the ledge. It would have been so easy. No one would have known. Everyone was asleep.  It would have been the easiest thing to do. Smiling was hard. Pretending that everything was okay, was hard. Making everyone happy was hard. Living was hard. Death would have been easier.

And yet, here I am still. It was not an easy journey for me. I had to break the habit of negative self-talk and start the habit of loving myself. I am worthy, I am unique. I am made of the stars. I am a miracle, and I will live a wonderful life.

Living is hard, I won't deny it. There will definitely be times when you feel like you are alone in this whole world. But I can tell you that you are not. Don't let your last goodbye be your final goodbye.

My crazy is my strong sense of individuality, where I don't really care what the trend is, or what the 'in' thing is. I don't really care what people say or think of me. I dance to the beat of my own drum.

Mental health is being in a state where your mind and emotions are not interfering with your social life. 

Being away from things that drain me out - social media, work, socialising. Creating boundaries and giving myself time-outs and not having to feel guilty about it.

photography Zahwah Bagharib