MEET KAI LIN CHOO
“I chose self love once before, and I always go back to self love.”
MY STORY IS …
I grew up as a strong, confident and independent lady. I knew what I wanted during the different stages of my life and pursued it. No matter what was in my way, I strived hard to achieve what I wanted.
It all started when I was younger. Despite being a curvy girl, I knew that I had a passion for Chinese dance. I pursued it as my CCA in Primary and Secondary school. Almost 10 years of my life had revolved around it. I had ignored stereotypes and laughed off terrible comments about how an ‘elephant’ like me would break the stage. I knew those words meant nothing.
I got older and moved to my next stage, I pursued my lifetime interest in becoming a preschool teacher. I decided to take on Early Childhood Education at an Institute of Technical Education (ITE) even though I could pursue other Diploma courses with my 'O' Levels results. I chose to take the extra two years and eventually graduated with a Diploma in Early Childhood Education. I enjoyed every single bit of it even though it proved to be tiring and difficult.
My life seemed like it was going perfectly but the reality could not be further from that.
As a young girl, I was intimidated by the adults around me who told me not to cry or I would “get it” from them. No matter how hard life got during the different stages, I would hide in the room where no one would see me and cried on my own while I smiled in front of others.
As a curvy girl, I dealt with name-calling, teasing and bullies. I hated and loved myself on and off all the time. I tried all sorts of methods to lose weight but I wasn't able to. I put on a smile at times when I didn't love myself, I pretended to love the way I was while trying to lose weight behind closed doors. Being a curvy Chinese dancer held its own set of issues, comparing myself to the other dancers with slender bodies that were always seen as beautiful. I just grit my teeth, smiled brightly on stage for the audience but cried alone in my little corner.
As a passionate preschool teacher, I gave my all towards the industry. Besides sleeping, my mind only consisted of work. I aimed to do well to influence the next generation positively and yearned for recognition. People that I first met would always tell me they could tell that I was a teacher based on how I look and carried myself.
Just when I thought that this was my life's calling, my life hit rock bottom.
I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after being left with scars and bruises following a child's violent meltdown. Needless to say, accepting the incident took a toll on me. It was only after months of struggling and trying times that I decided to see a professional. My inability to go back to work, needing to avoid certain places and things; the discovery of new fears were just some of the things I had to face.
I had hated myself so much just thinking about how a child had affected my life and career. People around me couldn't understand how it was almost impossible for me to forget the incident. "What goes around, comes around" is really true because I used to advise people who were depressed to not think too much and be positive.
It is only now that I am going through my own mental health issues that I understand the difficulty, especially at the beginning.
As a person that is growing, I had realised that as much as I had allowed myself to cry, be haunted by suicidal thoughts; there is one thing that I am proud and thankful for — self-love. I chose self-love once before, and I always go back to self-love. That's the most important factor that is keeping me alive and kicking despite waking up everyday thinking about when I will be able to walk without all these traumas haunting me.
To all the people facing even the tiniest life crisis now, you are not alone at all. Give yourself a chance and choose to love yourself.
Once the tide is over, there are endless possibilities for happiness. When you choose self-love once, you will always choose it again.
photography Zahwah Bagharib