MEET DEVIKA PANICKER

ON RECONSTRUCTING CHANGE AND REDEFINING LIMITATIONS

“My crazy is the striking, unapologetic duality that streaks my personality. Why flip a coin when you have both sides?”

* Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault *

If we could use two words to describe Devika, it would be ‘radical spirit’. As you listen to her share her story and reimagine scenarios and perspectives, you would realise she has managed to do two main things; 1. she has reconstructed her state of being to understand the impact of self and identity and 2. she has redefined her role within the local community, her family and even herself. And with that, we checked in with her again to see how her story has evolved and how she has grown to becoming the woman she is today.

MY STORY IS …

My story evolves constantly. It is difficult to single out just one chapter without doing a disservice to the others, so let us instead settle for a summary of the storyline to date. 

As a young girl of seven who was only beginning to wade through childish oblivion, I remained none the wiser when a trusted adult sexually assaulted me. It was only after a year of abuse that my parents learnt of the matter. They promptly reported the perpetrator to the authorities, and he was incarcerated shortly after. Back home, perhaps considering the best interests of their unsuspecting daughter, my parents instructed me to never speak of this incident again.

Years passed and I approached adolescence. My blissful oblivion came to a crashing halt during an otherwise unremarkable health education class. Discussing “good touch” and “bad touch” opened a floodgate of confusing memories, whose vague meanings clarified themselves all too suddenly. The magnitude of violation that dawned upon me was too heavy a burden to bear silently, so I confided in my teacher. She responded, only to insinuate that I was fabricating stories. Consequently, my classmates wasted no time labelling me a liar. I lost friends. My grades plummeted. I seemed to have hit rock bottom.

Thankfully, solace and inspiration came in the form of a book, authored by a stranger called Oprah Winfrey. While I eventually came to realise how incredibly successful and influential Oprah was, what first resonated with me was, simply, her story of overcoming adversity. Oprah’s book revealed that she had weathered an ordeal not unlike mine in her childhood, too. The discovery of such a shared experience was a moment of revolution for the silenced survivor in me. For once, I did not feel alone in my struggle. I vowed to myself that one day, I too would reach a position of influence to make a difference the way Oprah did for me. 

Nearing adulthood, I actively shared my story with others. When such stories of abuse and exploitation were echoed back by friends and relatives, I quickly realised that sexual assault was a far greater issue than society had visibly led on. With augmented conviction, I began formally advocating for sexual assault awareness. This took on many forms, such as collaborating with organisations, participating in campaigns and starting conversations. While they were tiring endeavours, my work created an impact. For a long time, it was from witnessing that impact that I derived happiness and a sense of purpose. 

Having gained some traction on social media, I was encouraged by my friends to audition when our local Indian television channel announced a pageant. As a formally trained dancer, stage and showmanship were second nature to me. It was not the spotlight that lured me to join, however. Rather, I was aspiring to the outreach that remained masked behind the glitz and glamour of a pageant.

Knowing only too well that the subject of sexual assault was top tier taboo in Indian society, I figured that having a presence in its local media scene would prove to be valuable in breaking down barriers. With that in mind, I put my best foot forward at the audition and strutted my stuff as authentically as I could. Immediately afterwards, however, I spiralled into a delusional concoction of anxiety and regret; a classic moment of who do you even think you are, Devika? Thankfully, the episode was short-lived, for I was soon sobered up by the genuine disbelief I felt at the announcement that I had been chosen. 

Twelve gruelling weeks followed. The early call times and endless errands were only made worthwhile by the heartfelt friendships I built with the talented ladies I competed alongside. It was with their support, as well as the encouragement of my friends and family, that I emerged victoriously. The resultant media buzz was both a blessing and a curse, for an opinionated woman is often perceived to be divisive. Nevertheless, over time, I started to learn how to surf the wave of fickle fame without falling face-first into the cold ocean. 

As my face became marginally less unfamiliar on local screens, my online presence grew, too. I was thrilled to have new audiences to reach out to and stayed diligent in my efforts to raise awareness about difficult topics. As compliments and criticism poured in, my sense of validation and fulfilment fluctuated. The direct messages that brimmed with gratitude from fellow survivors were often eclipsed by the mindless scrutiny of sceptics and frankly, sheer exhaustion. Perpetual resistance against reality was steadily taking its toll. As the disconnect metastasised within me, I felt emptier than ever before. 

On paper, I had attained the goals of outreach and advocacy I had set for myself. Even if those pursuits had not blossomed to their greatest potential just yet, I was at least on the right track. Why then, did I feel so desolate inside? 

It turned out that, as the old adage preaches, one cannot pour from an empty cup. Previously, I had attached my happiness and identity to the difference I could make in the world. The source of my fulfilment was primarily extrinsic and, therefore, unsustainable. Deviating from this pattern meant bitter work, but, like my advocacy, it required a multi-faceted approach. I worked with a therapist and took consistent little steps in being more compassionate towards myself.

Today, I continue to wear many hats, but I remember to honour myself for all that I am, as well as all that I am not (and may possibly never be).

I work to detach myself from perceptions that have been constructed about me, either by myself or others. I cultivate energy within myself and radiate its warmth from the inside out so that I shall never again be left cold. Last but in no way least, I strive to love and value Devika for who she is inherently before she wears any hats at all.

What does it mean to let your light shine?

To me, letting your light shine means living your life as the most authentic version of yourself. Life is too short to be concerned about which boxes we fit into and which of them we don’t. It is a scary thing to do, to be ourselves unapologetically, but that is why it is so inspiring! Letting yourself shine just as you are might just be the spark that another soul needs to shine their own light into this world as well.

How do you show up for yourself on days when it feels hard to do so?

This is so much harder than most of us realise; if not the hardest! It is something that I still struggle with. But I suppose the first step in showing up for myself on days that are hard to do so, is to acknowledge and accept that I am having one of those hard days. This allows me to be kinder to myself, it allows me to set more manageable expectations for myself. Secondly, I ensure that I do what is important for the sustenance of my body. Because this is the vessel that carries my soul, and when I have those hard days, I tend to neglect my vessel. So for me, this means making sure I eat even if I don’t feel like eating, staying hydrated, and resting when my body is telling me to do so. On countless occasions, this has allowed me to have the energy that I needed to eventually get back up on my feet, and feel more like myself. Lastly, if I can’t do it myself, I ask for support. I used to be someone who took great pride in being able to do it all herself until I couldn't anymore. And I used to feel so ashamed of my sudden inability to do the things I used to do with much ease. But there’s literally nobody in this world who can do it all on their own. We are better together, and so I embraced that there’s strength and beauty in accepting help from those whom we love, and those who love us back.

What does growth mean to you?

Currently, growth means courage to me. Because personally, the most prominent and memorable growth has happened to me when I am most out of my comfort zone - which can be really scary. That being said, I genuinely believe the concept of growth is ever-evolving. So I am looking forward to seeing what my definition of growth evolves into the next time you ask me this question!

For most, therapy is another hard topic to talk about but you took that step to work towards healing. How would one go about taking that first step to seek out therapy?

My biggest challenge when it came to seeking help was getting past my own denial. I had my own misconceptions of what it means to have mental health issues, and as a result, I tried my best to solve my mental turmoil in my own ways. Eventually, nothing I did seemed to help and I was plummeting down a vicious rabbit hole of self-doubt and fear. I genuinely believed that if I sought professional help, I would not be seen as the strong person I aspired to be. What helped me to take that leap of faith finally, was acknowledging that there is no shame in getting support. So I think that's the first step. 

For those who feel that they are alone in their adversity, what would be your advice for them?

Feeling isolated is one of the most heartbreaking experiences. I believe at some point we have all experienced this sense of isolation in our lives. What helped me in those moments was being open and honest about what I was going through; which then allowed me to cross paths with others who could resonate with my experiences and adversities. Finding people who have been through similar adversities can help us feel less alone. Thankfully, there are several support groups and communities that exist today, all of which are more easily accessible with the help of google. So my advice is to reach out to them - when you are ready. 

They say that 'what doesn’t kill us may make us stronger as a group'. Has there been a memorable experience when you felt that you reached through to someone with your advocacy and shared experience?

I remember the first time I got to do a public sharing in collaboration with AWARE, there were about 60 people who were present, and I was one of three survivors who were invited to share our experiences. I remember having seven minutes to share my story, and I did not really use a script. Initially, I was planning to talk about my incident itself, but instead, I ended up sharing how my life has been impacted ever since the incident. About my struggle with identity, self-worth, and finding the capacity to believe I was loveable despite the abuse. About how I could not navigate my childhood like most children could; including the fact that I knew everyone in my life was affected as a result of my abuse. About how I felt so responsible for all of it. It was the most vulnerable I had ever been and I don't think I was necessarily the most eloquent out of the three speakers. Despite that, after the sharing, a young girl probably in her late teens came up to me with tears in her eyes and told me that, that was the first time she felt like someone understood what she was going through because she too was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. That was the first time I experienced what it was like to reach through to someone through a shared experience. It was the moment that I truly understood how important representation was. 

Finally, what is your approach when it comes to self-care and taking care of your mental health?

My approach to self-care is taking everything "one day at a time." And if one day at a time still feels overwhelming, I take it "one thing at a time" instead. I don't think we realise how much discipline it takes to maintain self-care consistently. For someone struggling with mental health issues, self-care can even be taxing! It requires a lot of learning, unlearning and recalibrating, which sometimes can get in the way of us being productive. Hence, I also consistently affirm that doing my best with what I have is already a good step in the right direction. Additionally, therapy and medication have been really helpful for me as well. 

What is your crazy?

It is delightfully coincidental to be a Crazycat, because I also relate to another famous cat - Schrödinger’s. The notoriously mind-boggling thought experiment suggests that Schrödinger’s cat is simultaneously dead and alive - yay quantum mechanics! It is a classic paradox, which is why I see myself in that poor (or lucky) cat. I am a multitude of abilities, personas and expressions, many of which are often starkly contradictory. I am an introverted extrovert, a wild homebody, and a hyper-focused procrastinator, among others. It is impossible to put me in any one box neatly - not for lack of trying - for my manifesting itself as everything and nothing, all at once. Point to any adjective in the dictionary, and I can probably be described as such. In such total opposition, there is as much mystery and madness as there is beauty and balance. Now that’s my crazy.

*Devika is wearing the Grow & Glow Short-Sleeved Tee in Small and Radiate Light Bucket Hat.

photography Amiera Raushan